Evil Arts and Crafts

Going into The Book of Eli, I found myself really rooting for a Planet of the Apes, Roger Corman-esque ending where they “left you guessing” as to the completely obvious identity of the book until the very end. What could it be, at least one of the characters would ask…What is this book that could help rebuild civilization? Could it be “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”? “Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Hee Haw?” “The Dilbert Principle”? A signed copy of Glenn Beck’s immortal classic “The Christmas Sweater”?

Of course, by the end of the movie, any audience member with two brain cells to rub together would be twitching in their seats, fairly screaming at the screen, “It’s the BIBLE, goddamn you!” Which would make the money shot–when Denzel turns to the screen and goes “It’s the Bible,”–the greatest kitsch movie moment ever.

All told, it was better than the last Hughes Brothers movie I saw (“From Hell”, which may have been perfectly serviceable, but which paled in comparison to the Alan Moore graphic novel it was barely based on). All the same, the all bluescreen wasteland was painful to watch. We’ve had, what, like, 16  different post-apocalyptic movies in the last 18 months? And the last one was “The Road”? This flick felt like it needed to up its game some to keep up. But, whatever. Denzel cut a dude’s hand off and Catholic youth groups have something relatively wholesome to watch instead of “The Passion of the Christ.” So, I’m happy.

A minor post-script: The “Gay Grandma Fonzie” crack above was meant to describe Gary Oldman, who, well, to quote the Monarch, “He’s totally hitting that age when men start to look like somebody’s aunt.”

Luke