Evil Arts and Crafts

Inevitable as the swallows returning to Capistrano, webcomics generate schwag. (I guess this would be the “Crafts” in “Evil Arts and Crafts.”)

So, three cheers for the first three offerings from our online store! Here we see Zara sporting our very first tee–JPEG is Murder–which is available all the way up to the sub-elephantine XXXL (which Andrea made up especially so I could stuff my giant man-boobs into it).

And, if you look close, you’ll find she’s also wearing one of the two butt-clenchingly sexy Heart-Skull messenger bags from Timbuk2. I must have one, and now so do you.

You can get a better look at all these offerings by clicking on the “Evil Store” button at the top of the page there. It’s powered by Spreadshirt, so you don’t have to worry about us stealing your identity, no matter how badly we may want to.

Making some layout changes this morning, no worries.

As we sweep up the tinsel and streamers, as we nurse our hangovers and discretely show the hookers out the back door, here are a few mini-lists to round out The ‘Evil’ 45.

Runners Up
The almost-theres and the near-misses that round out the 45. (Or 46, if you count Slumdog Millionaire.)

Sherlock Holmes – Haven’t seen it enough yet to cement it properly into the cannon. But damn I love this movie.

Pan’s Labyrinth – Gorgeous, stunning, amazing. It just didn’t stick with me for some reason.

Children of Men – Ditto. Still — those big, 10-minute long single-cut set pieces. Damn.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang – The movie found itself way more clever than I did, but still, engaging stuff.

Zombieland – I know I was supposed to like this movie, but it fell flat for me. More on this later.

No Country for Old Men – I think the lack of a climax screwed this one for me. Maybe that’s the point. If it is, well, fuck this movie. It needs me more than I need it.

Jesus Camp – No proselytizing by the filmmakers. They just turn the cameras on let the crazies speak for themselves.

The Fountain – I’m guessing one of Andrea’s best of the decade. In hindsight, it was so relentlessly depressing, I just can’t bring myself to go back for a second watch.

Ghost Dog – Jim Jarmusch, motherfucker.

Napolean Dynamite – But only in the theater on opening night in a college town. Otherwise, skip it.

Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet
(I know, I know…they’re on my Netflix queue, I swear to God…)

The Departed
Last King of Scotland
High Fidelity
Spirited Away
Little Miss Sunshine
Man on Wire
A History of Violence

Psychic poison
Far from the top 45, and often not scraping the bottom of the barrel, these are the movies that left their marks as well–just not the good kind.

X-Men 3 – This movie was forgivably mediocre until they killed Scott Summers off camera. But what makes it my most hated movie ever was Brett Ratner kowtowing to focus groups by letting Rogue puss out and get rid of her powers. I guess now it’s “With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility…unless you’re a puss, in which case you can just walk away and everyone’s happy.” Fuck this movie.

Dancer in the Dark – This movie hits you like a mule kick to the chest. When the final shot comes, you’re thanking Jesus that it’s over. What sucks is, it’s SO GOOD. It’s easily the best movie I’ve ever regretted seeing.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace – Any movie that makes you say “Well, it’s ok for what it was” is a failure. Sorry, George.

Spider-Man 3 – Wanna see how you squander any kind of good will you might have had built up with the fan community? Watch Spider-Man 3. (At least Sam Raimi went on to make Drag Me to Hell. That’s some good vindication.)

The Twilight Saga: New Moon – I covered this in a recent review, and I don’t really want to return to that well. It occurs to me that True Blood covers much of this same ground, but at least they have the good sense to make it a comedy.

Ponyo – There’s a lot to like in this movie. It’s gorgeous, for one. And it’s directed with a master’s hand, no doubt about it. But Ponyo’s voice will make you want to kill someone. Seriously. I’ve never walked out of a theater muttering to myself about strangling a little girl before, but this movie took me to that place. Fucking Ponyo.

And that’s all! See you Monday with our review of Sherlock Holmes!

Luke

Okay, here’s the best of the best. The ones that hit hardest and left their mark the deepest. Because let’s face it–the Aughts were a pretty great time to be a filmgoer. Digital effects. Indie movie blockbusters. World cinema influences. Top flight animated fare. Rock-star screenwriters (Jonathan Nolan, Charlie Kaufman). Amazing new directorial voices (Paul Thomas Anderson, Sofia Coppola). And, of course…super hero movies. So, here are my picks for all-time world-beaters.

(Oh shit, I just realized I didn’t get Slumdog Millionaire on here. Ehhhh…let’s give them a silver medal. Anyway. Carry on.)

Gold Medals

Lord of the Rings Trilogy – As the credits rolled on Return of the King, I turned to Andrea and said, “Well, they can stop making movies now, because no one’s topping THAT.”

Momento – The Nolans set the bar impossibly high for aspiring young screenwriters who want to blow people away, so I stopped trying. This is the movie that crushed my dreams with its awesomeness.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – This is my gold standard for a perfect movie; there isn’t a bad angle on the piece. It just KILLS ME every time I see it. I love it so.

The Incredibles – Want to know why the 2005 live-action Fantastic Four film was so dreadful? I imagine it’s because the producers said, “Why bother? The perfect FF movie has already been made by Brad Bird.”

The Fantastic Mr. Fox – Once this is out on video, I’m going to wear this disk through from repeat viewing. My kids (should I have any) are going to get so sick of this one.

Requiem for a Dream – If Darren Aronofsky had stopped here, it still would’ve been a career worth celebrating. The Fountain had a great story, The Wrestler had a great performance, but THIS is great filmmaking. Brutal, unflinching, perfect.

Hedwig and the Angry Inch – This was in the ‘00s? Then why isn’t this at the top of everyone’s end-of-decade lists? Shaaaame on you, Internet people.

The Dark Knight – Heath Ledger’s last noteworthy role. More Nolan Brothers goodness. And Batman. I can’t say anything here that hasn’t already been said. To invoke a dead-horsed cliché, “Best. Comic Book Movie. Ever.”

Kill Bill – Would you believe Kill Bill was my first Tarantino movie? Since then, I pounded them down like shots of tequila. Kill Bill was gloriously visceral. Basterds was masterfully cerebral. Death Proof was…well, it had a neat car chase. But goddammit, no one entertains like QT.

There Will Be Blood – A performance so intense, you keep waiting for one of the fire exit doors at the front of the theater to open and for Daniel Day Lewis to walk in and kick your ass.

Tomorrow: Cleaning Up Afterward

<<Please here to insert additional playful banter about list being so long I had to separate it into multiple posts to pad out the week.>>

Silver Medals

Donnie Darko – Like watching a new cult being born. I will never hear ‘80s music the same way again.

Brokeback Mountain – One of those movies that moved me deeply, but which I never want to see again. Some things are a little too powerful.

Amelie – Jean-Pierre Jeunet should have fixed America’s romantic comedy problem. A movie about love, Amelie makes you acutely aware of how shamelessly and cynically formulaic our rom-coms are. And yet, somehow, they got progressively worse as the decade went on. Sigh.

Lost in Translation – Like a tone poem. This movie could’ve been played without the voice track and lost nothing. Sofia Coppola uber alles.

Oldboy – Hammer fight. ‘Nuff said.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army – A sequel to a movie based on a semi-underground comic book. We have no right to expect anything this good will ever be made for such culturally dubious source materal ever again.

Moulin Rouge – One of the bravura spectacle movies that helped bring musicals into the now. Boy is it cheese, but try not to love it. I heart Ewan McGregor SO. MUCH.

Juno – You don’t want to hear me gush about Juno. It’s embarrassing. I’m a grown-ass MAN, for Christ’s sake.

Punch-Drunk Love – There was a time when I liked Adam Sandler movies. Then I fell in love with PTA’s Punch-Drunk Love. And now, I hate any Adam Sandler movie that isn’t THIS movie. Is that a good thing?

Almost Famous – God what a clever movie. It captures a moment like few movies I’ve ever seen.

Inglorious Basterds – I’m not sure there’s any point to making any more World War II movies after this. QT tossed all the war movie clichés out the window and created something entirely new here out of bits and pieces of the generations that came after The Greatest one.

Tomorrow: The Gold Medalists!