So, yeah. When we walked out of the theater after seeing a late show of Eclipse, I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed. Yes, the CG was still bad, and many of the performances were laughably awful, but the movie felt surprisingly competent throughout. It wasn’t the laugh-out-loud-because-it’s-amazing-how-brazenly-boring-and-insipid-this-is gigglefest I was hoping for.

I mean, it wasn’t good, certainly. But there were things to enjoy throughout. And those things were held together by an overall structure that was more watchable and, well, cinematic than New Moon was. (I still haven’t seen the first one. Was it just called “Twilight”? Or was it “The Twilight Saga: Twilight.” I would’ve voted for the latter, but I have those kinds of problems.)

A few random thoughts:

• Sprinkled throughout were little glimpses of movies I would’ve rather been watching than Eclipse. The blonde girl’s flapper vampire version of Kill Bill, for one. And Zara would’ve loved to have seen a Paul Blart-esque retelling of the story from Bella’s father’s point of view. “I’m gonna make myself a sandwich.” (As he bends over to get something out of the fridge, a cow-sized werewolf runs past the window with his dismembered daughter in its mouth.) “Oh dammit, I’m out of mayo.” Rimshot, big laughs.
• What was the deal with the waxy-looking blonde doctor vampire? Was he SUPPOSED to look just like Tom Cruise’s Lestat? If so, couldn’t we fill out the rest of the cast with ringers for other cinematic vampires? Like a Wesley Snipes wannabe, or someone who looked like a young Gary Oldman?
• I’m sincere in my admiration for Jacob. Maybe he’s just written better, maybe Taylor Lautner is a better actor. Either way, his character wasn’t exempt from the creepy stalker dialogue that plagued a lot of people in this movie. Especially eyebrow raising was “I’ll keep trying until your heart stops beating.” Uhm…so…what are you saying exactly, son?

Okay, I’ve already gone on way too long about this movie than a hetero 32-year-old male really should. So, let’s leave it at that.

Little note: I’m going to ease off on the movie review strips and focus on the main story strips, which we’re going to start posting on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Same number of story strips per week, just on different days. Just so you know.

Thanks, as always!

Joe

Happy Memorial Monday, all!

I don’t know if anyone out there is reading their weekly comics today or not. Frankly, I’m hoping you’re not, because I’m really not proud of this review. But then, it was “inspired” (quotations here reinforced by finger quotes) by a less than stellar movie. Not good enough to be rousing, not bad enough to invite scorn. It is, as they say, what it is. A big summer movie tentpole with more CGI than brains, heart or courage.

And the shame of it is, you can tell Jake Gyllenhall was game for this thing. The kid is charming as hell, and he has it in him to carry a movie of this type. I enjoy watching him–he seems to be excited to be on the big stage. The shame is, the writers gave him nothing to do. There’s a severe lack of wit to this whole affair, and, I regret to admit, that seems to have carried over into today’s strip. My apologies. This’ll get better tomorrow.

Luke

I’ll say this: The Losers was a perfectly enjoyable retelling of a story I’ve already seen maybe a million times.

I’m sure for a lot of action movie fans, it was nigh on to excruciating to watch this picture trot out the old cliched standbys–the slow-mo, men-on-a-mission walk toward the camera, the “dammit, I wanna go back to my family, but loyalty prevents me from taking the easy way out” scene…they’re all there, front and center.

But you know, I didn’t mind so much. And the two biggest reasons for that are Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Chris Evans. Morgan’s got a swagger that’s fun to watch, and Evans’ character was written as though it was meant to be in a different, better movie. I really am looking forward to seeing him as Captain America. Between him and Ryan Reynolds’ Green Lantern, 2011 could be a cool, cool year for comic book movies.

The only disappointment of the flick (and if you come out of a movie like this disappointed, you only have yourself to blame for having expectations of any kind) was Zoe Saldana, who really brought next to nothing to the table this time around. That’s hard or me to say considering her mo-cap performance and voice work are some of the only non-CGI reasons I enjoyed “Avatar”. Still, I was hoping for something a little more from her.

Luke

JOE
I’m sure GraphJam has a piechart showing the likelihood of that webcast involving a puppet show starring someone’s balls with little faces painted on them.

DEAN
And in the real world, the key for that chart would only have one color.

JOE
Otherwise, no complaints here. Thank God we have Hollywood to de-asshole-ize Mark Millar’s comic books and make them palateable.

DEAN
And Matthew Vaughan to add the cheesy ‘80s synth-score.

JOE
And Chloë Grace Moretz to replace Punky Brewster as my favorite precocious orphan.

DEAN
Wow. YES. Hit Girl! Finally, a sex symbol that serial killers and pedophiles can agree on.

Maybe I’m the only one who sees the Ralph Fiennes-Josie Scott thing. Oh well.

Really, though–Clash of the Titans was a perfectly lovely way to spend an afternoon. It reminded me of the kind of movies they used to play on St. Louis’ KPLR Channel 11 on Sunday afternoons. Each weekend, I’d cue up a fresh blank VHS cassette, set to capture three more gems for my sad little collection. I’d wager I was the only 11-year-old in the  country who was actually proud to call Johnny Dangerously, Doctor Detroit, and Leonard Part 6 part of my film library.

The original Clash was certainly in there somewhere. I tried rewatching it recently and made it about halfway through before passing out. It’s certainly the kind of flick that’s easier to admire than enjoy, and that’s entirely thanks to Ray Harryhausen’s work. Watching it certainly doesn’t deliver the kind of visceral kick you get from, say, the giant scorpion fight in the 2010 version, but you gotta admire the skillz on display there. The Medusa scene alone is worth rewatching over and over.

Heresy though it may be, I’d put both versions on about the same plane, in terms of enjoyability. I doubt Louis Leterrier’s version will age as well, but at least it’s got some kick to it.

Luke